by Natalia Chajkovskaya

“My Russian wife doesn’t get my jokes,” our frustrated friend told us one day. “I am trying to make her laugh, but most of the time when I make a joke she just stares at me or tries to force a smile. Her English is pretty good, so I know she understands what I am saying she just doesn’t get it.”

Many Russian-American and International couples are or were experiencing similar problems. We were not the exception. The first year of marriage was the hardest, especially for me, because I was missing my family and friends terribly and was very irritable. There were times when everything in the U.S. seemed wrong to me: clothes, food, roads, school system, relationships, and humor.

When I lived in Russia I enjoyed making people laugh and I always thought I had a sense of humor. Apparently my new husband didn’t think so, because every time I would say something “funny” (funny in my opinion) he would either not understand that it was a joke or force a fake laugh if he knew I was joking. Then we would go to visit his friends and he would spend ¾ of the time laughing and making jokes which everyone but me understood.

It was driving me nuts. I will never forget these long visits with his friends. It was difficult for me to share my feelings with my husband, because I didn’t want him to think I was not appreciative enough or that I didn’t like his friends. There were times when I secretly hated his friends, because they could make my husband laugh and I couldn’t and because every time we met with them I felt like I didn’t belong to my husband’s world at all. I kept coming up with excuses so I didn’t have to come along when it was time to see them again.

It is understandable to be upset when the person you love the most doesn’t understand the movies which are very dear to your heart, the jokes which make you laugh or the books which bring tears to your eyes. In a marriage we want a partner who has not only similar values, but similar likes and dislikes and when you marry someone who has completely different roots, it doesn’t always work this way. The good news is – this stage is going to pass and sooner or later you and your Russian spouse will get in tune with each other.

My husband started to understand me much better after he read some history books on Russia and Russian history as well as some books on Russian-American relationships (such as Wedded Strangers by Lynn Visson). I started understanding him better simply by living in the U.S., watching people, talking to them and asking lots of questions.

The longer you live together, the more memories you are going to have and trust me, you will be able to laugh at the same jokes eventually. Patience, grace and time are going to do the trick and no matter how hopeless it may seem at times, you will be able to develop a very strong bond with your spouse.

You may never be able to understand a classic Russian comedy and you may never be able to become fond of Russian popular singers, but you can understand your wife better by asking her questions and learning more about her culture.

I have to admit I still don’t understand the humor of some of my husband’s friends and I still sit with a straight face during some of the American comedies. But you know what? It doesn’t bother me or my husband anymore. We know each other well enough to not crack jokes which we know the other one will not understand and we don’t roll our eyes at each other if we can’t relate to some historical event. As far as you have some things which you enjoy together, it is OK to enjoy different movies, listen to different music and laugh at different jokes.

Tagged with: • • •

Filed under: by Natalia Chajkovskaya