Understanding Russian women is not always an easy task. Even if you read thousands of articles and talk to hundreds of Russian-American couples, there still will be times when you feel frustrated and completely lost while trying to understand your wife.
Privacy is one of the most delicate and complex issues that you may have trouble dealing with during your first year of marriage. Most Americans cherish their privacy. When American men describe their trips to Russia they often complain about the lack of privacy over there. They are not being overly sensitive, because Russians don’t see the need of privacy as Americans see it. In fact, there is no word “privacy” in the Russian language.
According to Russians it is perfectly fine to browse your spouse’s wallet or to read letters addressed to them. While you may see it as lack of trust and absolute lack of respect, your Russian wife sees it completely different. It is just not a big deal for her and if you make a scene about it, she may think that you have something to hide. In her opinion, you shouldn’t have secrets from each other if you are married and if you don’t feel comfortable with her opening your letters, she may be offended.
If you have a problem with this, talk to her about privacy and try to explain what it means in your culture. She may not understand you, but hopefully try to accept and respect your point of view.
Understanding Russian women may seem hard at times, but remember that she is probably having a hard time understanding American men as well.
When I came to this country I was aware of how important privacy for Americans was. I didn’t open my husband’s letters and didn’t browse his suitcase (I couldn’t help myself and did browse the box with his old photos though). I thought I was understanding the culture and handling it pretty well. However, as it turned out, I misunderstood what privacy was.
When my husband and I were on our honeymoon, he felt like it was his job to tell strangers that we were just married and that I was from Russia. While there is no word “privacy” in Russian language, sharing something personal with strangers is unacceptable in the Russian culture. He couldn’t understand why I was getting upset with him and I couldn’t understand why he was sharing something that personal with random people.
Also, if we had an argument, my American husband didn’t see anything wrong with sharing the details of it with his friends. He couldn’t understand why I felt naked every time he did this and why it was such a big deal for me.
I was very confused, because I thought that if Americans are so obsessed with privacy they should be pretty discrete as well.
I was experiencing culture shock almost every day during my first year in the United States. It was particularly hard when I got pregnant. Strangers were asking me when my due date was and if I was having a boy or a girl. In Russian culture it is unacceptable and very rude to do this. These things are private and are not shared with anyone other than friends and family.
I will never forget one trip to Walmart. I was checking out and when the cashier saw my big belly she said: “Congratulations. That’s great! My daughter just found out she has a double-uterus. So do you know what are you having?”
I was seriously freaked out.
After living here for a while I understood what the American definition of privacy is. I am not scared if a stranger in a bus starts sharing the details of his divorce with me, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing my personal information with anyone other than my family. I still don’t understand why people in the United States are so open about certain things and so closed up about the others, but I accepted it in time and your Russian wife will as well.
If you want to help your Russian wife understand issues like privacy, the best thing you can do is spend more time with her and communicate with her as much as possible. Never try to explain anything during a fight when both of you are upset. This will only draw you farther apart and will make you dislike each other’s cultures even more. Don’t be judgmental when trying to understand each other’s cultures. The fact that you have been doing something certain way for many years doesn’t mean that it is the only right way. Always try to find compromise and don’t forget to respect each other and each other’s cultures in the process.
